it took several 2x4 to the mental head but i finally got it.
i am happy with my current circumstance (well... most of it, i still want to change some things). particularly, i'm happy with being single.
for starters, in my current position (present and otherwise), i don't know if it would be best to be with someone in an intimate relationship. for starters, i have this persistent fear and worry that i will do more harm to someone else's life than good. after all, part of marriage is not only sacrificing yourself to someone else but also receiving the sacrifice. furthermore, st. paul expresses this eloquently about how the husband is called to love his wife as CHRIST loves His CHURCH. it's a very very tall order (no license granting absolute power to the head of the household here). and i know from my end, i want to do the best job i can through the grace of GOD and my short will to help execute GOD's grace.
the other is that i have the freedom to do what i need to do to get closer to GOD. i don't think i would do what i'm doing now: directing the choir, writing and soon producing/directing omvendelsen
, taking my first steps of independence from my family. it will be someone to worry about... not that it's a bad thing but it will certainly preoccupy you.
i also find that with the way that the world encourages relationship, it's like tying a millstone around your neck and plunging yourself into the river. there are less than holy motives for having a relationship and then there are less than holy means of keeping it. for me, it's not worth getting into trouble like that for something that will be damaging to the soul.
i thought i was going to write more but i can't think of anything else. but i just want to say that i'm now at peace... at least more so than i was several months ago.
and i've said it once and i'll say it again... screw dating (although i've said it much more strongly on my personal lj =] )
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